Live Big. No Fear. No Regrets., Part II

The last part of my motto is one I struggle with a lot. I can get out there and live just fine. I can push past my fears. But it’s the aftermath of the fear conquering that kills me. There’s so much mistake making that comes along with living my motto. I know that I don’t have to do stuff perfectly first time out but when I use valuable resources to learn something, I get frustrated. Or when I hurt someone’s feelings while I learn to be tactful. GAH! I hate that part. The regret and guilt can just eat away at me for days.

I know that mistakes happen when learning and practicing new skills. And as much as I know all that…I still struggle. Every day. I’m getting better about relaxing and just being the person that God created me to be but there are still a couple areas that still kick my butt.

The one I’m really working on right now is my creativity. In the past and even now I don’t give myself the freedom to start the creative process because I’m so afraid of failure. How can one fail at creativity?? Sounds silly, huh? Well, I am afraid that I will draw badly. Or waste materials to sew something awful. Or paint a stupid painting. Or write like a moron.

Basically, I am terrified that I will try to express myself artistically and it will turn out like some horrible painting from an elephant channeling Picasso. And overall, elephantine Picasso that’s not what I’m going for. I want stuff to be pretty...with all the eyes and ears and such in their correct places. And if I don't create something that is spot on with what I think it should be I feel very exposed and vulnerable. Like people will see what I have done and think "wow, she really thinks a lot herself to have attempted that. She's an idiot."

Silly, huh?

And because I know that's silly, I’m trying to relax. I’m trying to stretch myself and “just do it”. So I try to create something every day. Even if it is just one silly little blog post or a sketch of something random. And if it turns out horrible, I just suck it up and tell myself that I’m learning so it doesn’t have to be perfect and it’s absolutely OK to throw that ugly piece of crap away. But it’s also OK to keep it and learn from it.

And through this I’ve discovered something pretty wonderful.

I can.

I can draw. I can paint. I can write. I can sew (sort of). And, yes, I have channeled an artistic elephant a couple of times. But mostly, I’ve done just fine. I'm nowhere NEAR where I want to be. But that's ok, I will be someday.

And because all of my friends and family live far away, I’m going to post here what I’ve been drawing lately. This is not to be braggy but, honestly, because I’m just so happy that I am getting better and that I've figured out how to draw more than stick people and doodly flowers.

There is so much in me that is so embarrassed now and wants to point out all the flaws in each and apologize for them. But no regrets, right?