House sold...emotions unraveling

I just realized that I haven’t written a post in nearly a week! Yikes!

I have been feeling a bit out of sorts and have been processing a lot of different emotions. It’s kind of a long story and I’m not sure how much of it to get into here but we finally sold our house in Boise and the finality of it has really hit me. I don’t know how to describe in written word why I am so very sad about this. But the selling of that house represents a lot of unfulfilled hopes and dreams.

When I first walked into that house I saw what it could be. What I wanted it to be. And due to circumstances I was never able to complete that vision. That breaks my heart.

I am not sad that have moved from Boise. I love it here in Texas and do not regret the decision to move here at all. But at the same time I am sad to my core that my house has sold. I feel betrayed by my emotions of the past. I feel foolish for the happiness that I had the day we moved in. I feel idiotic because my house that I was so giddy about has sold for $30,000.00 less than what we paid for it 2 years ago. And while we have been blessed by Kevin’s company in that they are going to make up the difference, I feel like that person in the movie whose world is spinning and everything is blurry while people are pointing and laughing at them for doing something so ridiculously silly that anyone could see what a poor decision it was.

I feel like I have failed myself in so many ways.

And from that point on I feel like that the past 2 years have been full of folly and missteps and learning experiences that I don’t know if I have learned anything from. To me it feels like every time I feel excited about something, that something will turn around and growl at me and suddenly morph into Eeveeeel. Ok…not really evil but the opposite of what I was hoping it to be.

It all started with the house and progressed quickly to Lucy. I had researched and researched dog breeds to the point of exhaustion until I found one that would be perfect for me. I found a breeder, met her adult dogs and fell head over heels in love. To sit down and put my arms around 130 pounds of calm mellow black shaggy doggy loving is a little slice of heaven for me and I had never been more blissed out at the thought of anything more than I was at the thought of my very own Newfoundland puppy. I mean, look at my face!

We went up to visit 3 week old puppies and to pick from one of those, however, there was Lu. 12 weeks old and an adorable fluff ball with heart melting brown eyes. The person who was going to take her home got sick and was unable to care for her. And even though I really wanted a boy, I fell in love with her.

We brought her home 3 weeks after we moved in to our house.

I should have held out for the boy because Lucy was so breed atypical that she stressed me out to a point of needing to go on antidepressants. I was looking for a happy go lucky, easy going, happy to please sort of pup and got miss dominant, my way or the highway.

ARGH!

Don’t get me wrong….I loved that dog. LOVED. Would still have her and wouldn’t have been separated from her if we hadn’t moved to an environment that would have been hell for her. Especially since she's now 2 years old and should have mellowed out considerably and turned into a big black calm marshmallow o' love. And while she is thrilled beyond belief at her new home, I still have a Lucy sized hole in my heart.

Tomorrow I'll tell you the rest of how the past 2 years has gone awry.

ps....I edited this post a million times due to weird formatting glitches.

pps...Kevin just read my post and called to make sure I wasn't curled in a ball crying my eyes out. So I felt I should let you all know that I am okay, I really am. The next few posts are just letting you all in on the process that I've been going through over the past week and summing up the past 2 crazy years.