Noodle Brain

Kevin tells me I think too much and I would tend to agree. Sometimes I get “spaghetti noodle brain” when I have so many thoughts going on and it’s hard to talk about what’s going on in there because it’s hard to distinguish where one thought ends and another begins.

This week I’ve been having a serious case of noodle brain.

I’ve for so long thought that I wanted to go back to school and finish my degree…at first I thought I would follow the art path so I could learn to paint, draw, sculpt and all of those wonderful things that get my heart excited. Then more recently (as I’ve hinted) I thought God was leading me down a different path to getting my degree in psychology with maybe later on a Masters in Counseling, so that I could satisfy my longing to help those who hurt. It made sense and I felt peaceful about the idea.

It was with the psychology idea firmly in place that I enrolled in community college, had my transcripts forwarded and decided to proceed without fear of the uknown. I decided I would take each step one at a time so I wouldn’t get overwhelmed with the future and freak out.

So after having my transcripts forwarded, the next step was to meet with an advisor to figure out the right path to take. I called earlier this week to make an appointment but they said it would be better to just drop in. So I took Wednesday morning off work and headed to the campus to drop in and see an advisor.

I was kind of nervous on the drive there but I fought down the butterflies and prayed for God’s peace. I found a parking place and realized that I had no idea where the building I wanted was. Oh well, I would just walk, find a map and figure it out.

It turns out I parked almost on the opposite end of where I needed to be…but it felt nice to be walking on a college campus again. There’s just something comforting about being on campus and this one was has a little lake and the trees here already have their leaves so it was very pretty.

After I found my building and talked to 3 different administrative people I finally was able to meet with Lorrie, a wonderful, knowledgeable advisor.

Lorrie talked with me for a good hour or more. She has her Master’s in Counseling so she was able to offer lots of practical advice about what to take and not to take and what 4 year school in the area would be best. That was the good part of the conversation.

The bad part was the realization that 19 year old me was an idiot without direction who took the most random classes with no particular plan in place to ever graduate. She never saw an advisor and just figured it would somehow “happen”. This leave 31 year old me having to take placement exams. Placement exams involving MATH, my nemesis. I barely escaped having to an English placement exam because they looked at my transcripts and figured that if I could pass numerous senior level poli sci classes, I’m probably proficient in English. Yay.

After setting up a schedule for when to take those tests and armed with some numbers of advisors at the 4 year schools in the area, I left Lorrie and walked across campus back to my car.

I don’t remember a time I’ve felt so completely overwhelmed and unsure of my future and so full of “if only” thoughts of my past.

And then the questions came. Just a few at first and then more and more and more until my brain was so full and so loud and I was officially freaking out.

Do I really WANT to go back to school? What are my reasons? Are they prideful? Am I just scared and asking these questions because it will be hard? What do I really want to do with that degree when I am done with it? Is this the most responsible use of our money at the moment when we’d rather pay off all of our debt and then travel and start an adoption? Do I just need to move on and embrace this next stage in life without a degree? Should I just pursue private art lessons to learn the skills that I want to bring my ideas to life? Do I get the quickest degree I can (political science) just to have one?

And over and over in my mind the questions just kept on coming. All of them adding up to the same issue. What am I supposed to do with this life God gave me? He has given me passions and gifts and talents, how would He like me to use them? How do I know for sure which path is the right path?

I don’t know.

After DAYS in prayer and thought and discussion after discussion with Kevin, I still don’t know. We’ve narrowed down to 4 possible paths and each one of them seems good. Each one seems like God could bless it and it could be wonderful and pleasing to Him.