A Big Empty Space

My grandpa died last night.

My mom called and told me at 5 this morning and I have been awake since then.

I’ve never had anyone I’ve known pass away before. I’m 31 and have never experienced death.

I’m currently unsure of what to feel. I’m somewhat removed from my emotions. I think it’s because I’m here in Dallas and everyone else is in Boise. I feel mostly just upset. My stomach is on edge like it is when I think I’m about to get in trouble for doing something wrong.

This all has made being at work today an interesting experience. I’m frantically trying to wrap up loose ends before being gone for a week that I wasn’t planning on being gone for and it’s like swimming through mud. I can’t really focus but I know I need to but I keep forgetting what I’m trying to focus on. I guess it's the stereotypical haze that people say they walk around it but I've never experienced it before. I don't like it very much.

My head is pounding and I’m very tired but other than that I’m doing ok right up until I’m trying to tell people that I won’t be here next week and then have to tell them why. One second I’m matter of fact about it and then *WHAMMY* out of nowhere I get overwhelmed with sad and there are tears welling up.

I don’t like to cry in front of people. Especially not these people.

I’m not particularly sad because he has died. I know where he is. I know that he’s not hurting anymore and that his body is no longer hindering him and that is so wonderful. But it will be very empty in the family now and that makes my heart break.

People are so irreplaceable. It’s such a weird thing for him to just not be there anymore. My mind is struggling with the concept. It’s very strange to me.

Maybe once I’m back in Boise it will make more sense. Or maybe it will just be more confusing, I don’t know. Either way, I’ll be in Boise celebrating his life with my family from Sunday through Saturday. I don’t know if I will blog while I am there but if you are in Boise and want to meet up with me I should be checking Facebook on a regular basis so let me know and I’ll see what I can do.