Some of you might be wondering where I’ve been this week. Well, I’ve kind of had a bad week. More like a series of Bad Days that have added up to a Bad Week.
When I say I had a Bad Day, I’m not talking about how I stubbed my toe, got a speeding ticket, broke a nail type of bad day. I’m talking about dark ugly thoughts, lots of self loathing with a side of heavy self criticism and a pinch or two of Guilt. It’s just so hard to live in my brain on those days.
Now, please don’t interpret this post as a cry for help, because it ABSOLUTELY is not. In fact, I’m very hesitant to post this because of how it might be interpreted. But I’ve decided that I want my blog to be a chronicle of my life. Who I am. What I’ve gone through. The funny and the serious. This is the life that God has blessed me to live and I am learning to live it fully in His Amazing Grace.
And, well, part of my life are my Bad Days.
This is the side of me that almost never gets shared. This is the side that I try to hide from everyone because I’ve discovered that this side of me can make people uncomfortable or just plain freak them out. Either way, I generally end up feeling judged for it, which I find annoying and unhelpful, so I have learned to camouflage this side of me with a smile and a funny comment or two and life goes on.
For many many years these feelings and thoughts were my constant companions. Sadness and confusion were there hiding just beneath surface of the mask of happiness I had on. But, thankfully, over the past 2 years God has blessed me so much and with His help I have learned how to manage it. In fact, I have gotten to the point that six out of 7 days, I am truly free from it in my daily life. The mask is gone and I am happy. God has brought me to a place where His love and grace give me the freedom to Live. Most days I am Alive and I am Free and I am Happy to be living this life He’s given me.
But then, just when I think those dark ugly days are over and done with forever, like a bad dream, they sneak up on me and take over again. I should know better. I should know that this is going to be a lifelong battle for me.
Luckily, I now know that “Bad Days” or “Bad Weeks” are just that. They are not a way of life for me anymore. And my attitude towards those times are akin to a ship in a storm. I know that the storm will be over soon because it can’t go on forever and so I ride it out, waiting for it to pass knowing that the sunshine is just around the corner.
However, when I am in the middle of those dark thoughts, I retreat into myself. I don’t answer my phone, or return e-mails or blog. I have a hard time dealing with other’s expectations of me and I find other’s emotions overwhelming. So, I shut down communications and ride out the storm that rages inside me as I scramble to get on my life vest and start bailing out the boat.
Friends and family have told me to call them when I feel this way, but the only one (other than Jesus) who can help me is Kevin. Whenever I’ve tried to talk to other people about what I am going through it seems like I spend most of my time assuring them that I’m fine and there is nothing for them to worry about. And, frankly, I don’t have enough energy for that.
Kevin helps me put the ugly, dark thoughts into perspective. He helps me sort out which are foolish and silly and need to be disregarded immediately (like because my cat is fat, I am a bad person) and which ones I actually need to deal with (guilt over this or that, generally). With Kevin’s help, Truth slowly starts to take over and I can usually get rid of the ugly dark thoughts and get life back to normal within a day. I’ve even gotten to the point that I can do it all by myself now and then it is only a Bad Hour instead of a Bad. The exception to this is if it is a new issue that I haven't faced before.
I am pleased to say that since we have lived here, the dark thoughts have been few and far between. I am Happy here. I am so free to be who God created me to be that the dark thoughts have had nowhere to live, nothing to feed on. Unfortunately, this week I am dealing with some new issues that I am just not sure what to do with and so this week has been a big ole struggle for me.
As of today, I see the sunshine peeking through the yucky thoughts and I know that very soon I will be Alive and on track once again.
....grow(ing) in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior
Jesus Christ. To Him be the glory both now and forever. Amen.
(2 Peter 3:18).
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2 comments:
Thanks for sharing! I love you!
I just came across your blog and saw this post, and felt compelled to comment. I know how you feel! Everything you said, I kept thinking, 'That's me.' I'm very open about my feelings, too. It helps, and I like to think that it helps others who may feel the same way.
I like to believe that it gives them the courage to talk about it as well. The more we are open about things like this, it helps that social 'stigma' to go away - the one that makes people feel that they 'can't talk about it' or that it's 'too uncomfortable to talk about'.
I just felt like thanking you for your honesty. I hope you feel better. You are a strong person for knowing that they are only bad days and they don't add up to a bad life.
Take care.
Jennifer
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