Confessions

Hmmm…. I don’t know how to say this without feeling like a loser. But I’m not really the greatest at sugar coating stuff, so I’m just gonna say it.

I’m lonely.

Lonely is not a feeling that I’m used to. I don’t really get lonely very often. I’ve always been the type of person that is fine being by themselves. I can spend massive amounts of time by myself and be perfectly content. In fact, I’ve discovered that it seems to take about 4 months before it really starts to effect me. That’s about how long we’ve been here.

Over the past 4 months, on a daily basis, I spend LARGE chunks of time completely alone. And when Kevin goes on business trips I will be all by myself for up to 4 days. This has all been no problemo. I have been 100% fine and happy. Up until just a few weeks ago.

About that time I noticed something in me change. My mind was restless. I wasn’t tired but I wasn’t energetic. I started pacing around the house and couldn’t quite focus on much. So I started to workout more to try and burn up excess energy. That helped some but it didn't make the restlessness in my brain go away.

After a couple of days I thought maybe it was cabin fever and I just needed to get out of the house. So Kevin and I went out for the afternoon and that helped. But After a day or so I started to feel all restless again.

I mulled it over and realized that I was lonely. It was quite a shock really.

Me? Lonely? Weird!

And now I that I know, I can’t quite figure out how to fix it. In Boise, I didn’t get lonely very often but when I did it was an easy fix of calling someone up and going out to coffee or whatnot. And since we’ve been here, every time I’ve felt a twinge of loneliness I’d just make a couple of phone calls and *BAM PRESTO* loneliness gone. But this time it’s different. I don't think it will be fixed without regular face time with someone other than Kevin.

I’m just kind of overwhelmed about where to start. I know we need to get involved at our church. But I’m honestly really intimidated by it and need prayers for courage on that front. I know that it is silly but the prospect of walking into a room of people that I don’t know scares the crap out of me.

I need accountability to stop being such a big baby and to stop being afraid. Fear is not what God has planned for me. But I still struggle with it. So I’m gonna buck up and share this struggle with you all because it is important for me to be transparent when I struggle and to admit I need prayer and support because life isn’t always happy. And too many people just show the smiling happy sides of themselves even when they are hurting inside and that’s silly.

So I’m going to be real and honest. I’m sad and lonely and I would like for you to pray that God opens some doors for me and makes it really really easy to make some more friends because I need it a lot right now.

Ps…..we do have our landlord friends but they live 30 miles away and we can’t always be buggin’ them. We need to be a bit more well rounded in the friend area…ya know.